Supporting Your Depressed Partner

 

Depression drains the joy out of everything in the sufferer’s life. It makes them vulnerable and alienated from those around them. They may be in a crowd of a thousand people, but in their own head, they are utterly alone.

Being in a relationship with a sufferer of depression has its own set of challenges. You may be aware of the circumstances, and yet it feels like they are losing interest in you, when the actual fact is that they have lost interest in nearly everything else.

 

Communication Can Help

Learning how your partner is feeling and taking it upon yourself to conduct research on the issue is a crucial step in helping both of you. Communication of these emotions is one of the many forms of intimacy that exists.

Over the fifteen years that my husband and I have been in a committed relationship, my husband, being the highly observant person that he is, has learned more about my mental illness than I have. He knows how to identify pending episodes of both mania and depression. He has observed and understands my triggers for both poles. He can usually predict the days and weeks that follow a certain behavior he sees from me. He has watched the patterns of my behaviors and has developed methods on how to interact with me in each situation.

Not everyone is as dedicated or observant as he is, but you can learn how to communicate in any circumstance. Your depressed partner may resist conversation or expressing his or her mood and feelings, but you have to try. Sometimes it’s really tough to articulate just how down we are. Being understanding of what your partner says, being forgiving if the discussion calls for it, reinforcing in your partner’s mind that you are there with them, and they aren’t going to scare you away if they say what they need to say; make it well known and understood that you are a safe space and they will not be shamed or reprimanded for expressing their feelings. Sometimes they may merely repeat what they feel, unable to find the right words to truly explain their thoughts, and the best way to respond is by reminding them that you are there with them and you aren’t going anywhere. They need to be reminded of the qualities that make them so great in your eyes. They need to know and believe they are loved. They don’t need advice, because everyone knows that they need to be positive and seek things that bring them joy. The most important thing for a sufferer to be told is that you are there to help them any way you can, that they are not alone because alone is exactly how depression feels.

When possible, redirect negative self-talk to a positive message in your own words.  Propagandize the hell out of the things you find wonderful about your partner. 

 

Don’t Take Your Partner’s Depression Personally

For sufferers of mental illness, depression is one thing that can hit at any time.  It’s important to remember it has nothing to do with you. While it can strain any relationship, as many things in life can do, your partner’s perception of the world around him or her is affected in a negative and dark way.  Understanding depression and being supportive can not only help you cope with your partner’s melancholy, but it can help you avoid following him or her down the rabbit hole if you are susceptible to becoming depressed. Depression is ugly and at times your partner may also express negative emotions outwardly.  In most likelihood, the fear, pain and sorrow are not a direct reaction to anything you have done. We tend to project our anger at the ones we love most. Allow your partner to project these feelings, so long as they don’t become physically aggressive or violent and try not to take it as an attack on you. Intimacy comes in many forms, sometimes negative, even though we as a society generalize the term “intimacy” as being a positive thing.  Do your research on depression and encourage help and treatment, as well as learn the signs of suicidal thoughts and self-harm actions. Here is a link to some resources for those suffering with depression and suicidal thoughts.

 

Your partner is still themselves, just in a much different mental state.  It’s hard not to believe you are the one who is causing their depression, but it’s up to you to maintain your strength during this difficult period so your partner has a stable person to lean on.  

 

What’s Natural and Healthy Depression and What’s Mental Illness?

Normal depressive episodes can happen to everyone on occasion, as a direct emotional response to a negative stimulus, such as loss of employment, death of a loved one, a soured relationship.  If nothing particularly traumatic has occurred and your partner is experiencing a depressive state, it is important to help him or her reach out for support and treatment. Many sufferers are resistant to seeking help because we often believe we earned and deserve the pain and darkness, and we don’t want to be a burden to others.  It can also be difficult to find the motivation we need to find and accept the aid we desperately need. You both must also understand that in treating mental illness, there is no quick-fix and the journey to mental stability is a LONG PATH.  You must be patient.

 

Helping to Prevent Future Triggers

My own triggers for depressive states are most frequently a response to my actions during a manic episode.  When I do something regretful, such as spend my entire paycheck on junk I don’t need rather than paying bills like a responsible adult. this leads me to spiral into a depressive episode.  Mood Stabilizers have helped me to reach a point where I can control most of my impulses and avoid doing things that I inevitably feel guilt over, therefore avoiding depression. 

Everyone is different, and I don’t claim to be an expert on everyone’s experiences because what works for me may not work for you or your loved one. I am merely here to offer any help and advice that I know of, that may help others because I have always wanted to help others with what I’ve learned about my own mental health. 

Learning your partner’s triggers by paying close attention to the signs and symptoms of a pending depressive episode can help you to guide, steer and direct them on a trigger-free path in the future. And there is NO SHAME in seeking help or having to take medication to stabilize.  It takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a broad support system to care for and nurture good mental health. Be your partner’s strength when he or she lacks it. Discuss with your partner the ways you want to help and support them during the experience. Get their approval first and find a therapist, then drive your partner to the appointments.  Join in on the sessions if your partner is ok with it.  Find a psychiatrist and help explain what you’ve observed to the doctor so that your partner can be treated appropriately.  Encourage finding a creative outlet as a form of therapy, and of course join in on the self-care your partner needs as an outlet or distraction, like these tips from another post.

 

What If Your Partner Refuses Treatment?

Ultimately, it is entirely up to your partner if he or she wishes to pursue a course of treatment for their mental illness.  If he or she declines, then it becomes your burden to decide if you can remain in the relationship. This should be discussed at length with your partner, and he or she will have to accept the consequences if they opt out of accepting help.  You alone are not responsible for your partner’s happiness, and that goes for any relationship. You are not responsible for repairing the issues and causes of your partner’s instability. Your partner must accept responsibility for their own well-being and mental health.  

And One Last Thing

Take time out for yourself because you are every bit as important as your partner is.